Twitter

By Hannah Little

Oh for fuck’s sake. I made this cup of tea three hours ago. I genuinely thought I’d drank it. But I haven’t. It’s stone cold. How annoying. I do this all the time. I bet other people do too. I should tweet about it. And people can reply and say “heh, that happens to me all the time!” Yeah, I’ll tweet that.

Oh ffs. I just found a cup of tea I made 3 hours ago and haven’t drank.

Oh, I should have used the first-world problems hashtag for that. Then people could relate to it whilst feeling enormously ashamed. Yeah, cause people love feeling ashamed. Only dicks use the first world problems hashtag. Maybe I should overstate how much of a problem I think it is. Then everyone will feel better about it because they don’t think it’s that much of a problem, and therefore can’t really be that much of a dick. I’ll have to overstate it so much that no one will think I’m being serious though, I don’t want people to think I’m a dick either, I’m the very opposite, I’m doing this to make them feel better about themselves. Yeah, I’ll tweet, really overstating how affected I am.

My problems are large and insurmountable.

Insurmountable… good word. I should probably pour this tea down the sink. It’s berry tea though. I’ve never tried that cold. Normal tea gets awful when it’s cold. But maybe berry tea is fine. Maybe it’s just like drinking juice. I should probably try it before just pouring it down the sink. Oh my god. It’s properly alright. It’s not as nice as it is warm. But it’s not awful either. It’s fine. The people should know of this victory. They should know that sometimes really shit things are not as shit as they first appear. They should know that I have surmounted my insurmountable problem. Hey! That would make a good hashtag. Surmounting the insurmountable. I should use that. I have to tweet that now.

It’s berry tea. Just had a sip and discovered it does in fact taste quite pleasant cold. #surmountingtheinsurmountable#bestpossibleoutcome

I am the queen of hashtags. No one is responding though. Maybe they haven’t seen my previous tweets. Maybe I should tweet for people that people should check my previous tweets. Nah, I’d look like a huge self-obsessed twat. The fact that I just considered tweeting that would suggest that I am just a self-obsessed twat. Maybe I should just admit it. But if I did it in an ironic way, I could get away with it. Yeah… I should mask my arrogance in faux arrogance and then people will think I’m really funny. Stewart Lee does that all the time.

I’d like to draw your attention to the great hashtag work in that last tweet.

Yes, good work. No one would tweet that if they were being serious, because everyone would think they were being a dick. Hilarious. No one’s replying to tell me so though. Maybe people do think I’m a dick. Maybe my hashtag work was in fact so good that no one can see that that tweet was meant to be ironic and I am just coming across like a massively arrogant arsehole. Shit. I should probably tweet to let people know that they shouldn’t have taken that last tweet seriously, but I can’t really do that without everyone thinking that I’m really bothered about them thinking I’m an arsehole. Maybe if I’m just really sincere about it. It’s impossible to be sincere and an arsehole at the same time, right? Maybe I should just be really bare-facedly honest about this whole situation. That’s what Josie Long does, isn’t it? And everyone finds her funny. I’ll just be really fucking honest and it’ll come across as clever and meta and people will know I’m not a dick because I can stand back from my tweets and see the bigger thinking behind my output. Yeah…

I’ve been watching too much stand-up so I’m under the illusion that small niggly problems and ironic arrogance are funny.

Yes. Good. That’ll show people that I can’t be arrogant because I’m too self aware to be arrogant. That’s what David Brent lacked in the Office, self awareness, and he was a massive arse. I can’t be an arse. I’m too self aware to be an arse. Hey! Someone’s retweeted the insurmountable problems tweet! Someone cares!

Oh fuck.

I’ve just realised that that insurmountable problems line is from Dollhouse. Oh fuck. That show wasn’t popular enough that I can just quote it and people will know where it’s from, which means that the people that do know where it’s from will think I’m trying to pass it off as my own. Which I was. But I didn’t realise it wasn’t my thought. Oh fuck. I am a dick. What kind of a dick thinks themselves that witty. This is terrible. I do this all the time. I bet other people do too. I should tweet about it. And people can reply and say “heh, that happens to me all the time!” Yeah, I’ll tweet that.

I’ve just realised that large and insurmountable problems tweet is a line from Dollhouse. I have no original thoughts. #fuckyoujosswhedon

Heh. I am the queen on hashtags.


Illustration by Alexandria Somirs

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